just a little shade of blue......

as a parent there are days you just wonder why you are a parent. yesterday i felt like the i should have won the worst parent award. for some reason lately kiddo and i have not been seeing eye to eye on anything. from how i see it....all she seems to do is argue every little thing with me...everything!

anyway...yesterday morning wasnt the best and i know we didnt leave on good terms when i dropped her off for school because we always say "i love you" before she gets out of the car and i got nothing but a cold shoulder. i called her back to the car window after she got out and told her that i loved her and she say "ok" but nothing else. i was so upset i gave her a line my gave me a few times when i was a snot. the line....."how bad would you feel if something happened to me today and this is the last time you see me?" she shrugged it off and grunted out..."love you" as she turned and walked away.

i was so upset i cried all the way home. cleared off my face....went back inside the house to finish getting ready to head out for the day with hubby. i was in such a funk all morning. the 45 minute drive into the next town was quiet. we did our stop to CAA for trip stuff and then into Linens N Things and bought a few things because we kinda needed them and i was in the mood to shop. i still dont like buying things just for myself but we bought things for the house.

headed to Michaels for a couple things kiddo needs for a school project and then went to lunch. made hubby pick where he wanted to go...i wasnt in the mood to eat or decide where to eat.
while we waited to order hubby had to step away...as he was away i was on the verge of tears from the events that happened earlier...im just glad he came back quick cuz i almost lost it right there at the table.

we ate at Eastside Marios and found it very good considering im normally not one for italian food as my choice of foods. i had fettichini afredo with shrimp...yummm. dont remember what hubby had but it was some pasta filled things with a nice cheesy sauce.

i feel like my anti -depressents (sp?) are playing tug of war the was two days now. i was feeling very leveled out the past few weeks. nothing bad but nothing good....just ok. for me that is good...the lows arent there like they were 2 months ago. but yesterday and today are so hard for me.

I had to go to the doctors today also because those acid pills i was taking the past few weeks havent really helped and have had 2 other major attacks of gas and abdominal pain from it since taking the pills so i had to go in and let him know. we have ruled out now that its not an acid problem. so....next step is to work our way down from the tummy. we are trying something else now that i have to take now with every meal. long story on what we think it might be and just too much TMI also. either way....i started something new today.

also since the acid thing isnt what is causing my gas and discomfort i can go back on my knee pills also. THANK YOU! my knee is almost back to the way it was before starting the knee meds...meaning i get sharp pains just sitting and doing nothing, sleeping, etc.

im just so frustrated with my health lately. but i am thankful that my anti-depressents are somewhat helping me cuz i know i would be in the dark hole if i wasnt. im only halfway down that hole right now...its KINDA undercontrol (just barely).

work both saturday and sunday this weekend. mother in law isnt coming since im working and i felt a little over whelmed with work, and everything at once to make each night go smooth before going out either to bingo or and evening out with hubby. so she said another time....which is so nice of her. my mental state isnt the greatest lately and she understands that.

enough of my ramble today...just feeling a bit down and tired of feeling sick and tired of the pain in my knee. thank you for listening to me.

hope you are well.....big hugs to you.

One foot infront of the other.....

hello from the cloud of depression.

things here are very very slowly looking better....as the saying goes...ONE DAY AT A TIME. I finished my first 2 weeks of the lower dose of antidepresents (sp?) and started the higher dose yesterday. I felt a little off all day...almost like a little queeziness but not quite nausous. its very hard to explain really...but on top of that it was the first day of march break here on the island for the kids.

she is already driving me nuts. but really and truly she is being well behaved with the exception of her mouth running a million miles a minute about everything and anything. wednesday will be my real test having her with me all day since i have take her to work with me because my boss obviously forgot it was march break and scheduled me the morning shift. oh well...i have a helper that day....give her something to do other then playing video games and watching tv.

I had lots of things I wanted to talk about but for some stupid reason i cant think of what it was now. its just a fuzzy mess.

hope all is well with you and your family. hugs

edit: just got done adding two/three pages worth of new pictures to my flickr account for veiwing if you like. all these were taken this past month and I had just not put them in until now.

Ummm, yeah.

Still alive. Been dealing with my depression big time this week. Funny how the week before I finally went to talk to my doctor about getting back on meds and then i take a nose dive back into the big blue gunk. too bad the meds just dont work from day one when taking them. i have 2 more full weeks until (if any) i know they are working. THIS SHIT SUCKS. all i want to do is sleep all day and put on a smile when i go out or have to deal with anyone.

hope you have been well. big hugs to you.

Fighting the blue devil....

Ah depression....such a fun thing to have to deal with.

talk to my mom last night for about a hour about everything going on with her and told her how i feel about certain things without her interrupting and also told her that is the last time im going to bring up this family mess since its never going to change and i cant change it....but at least she really truly knows how i feel about how she is being treated and how things are handled by one of my sisters. so...the only person i talk about this mess to now is hubby...not even on here. sorry to be so non discript about this but its major family drama that if i wrote about before and would take up way too much space here to go into it again.

depression....funny little mental thing it is. sometimes i can tell what triggers it and other times i have no clue. im so torn right now on what set it off ....might be all the stuff i talked to my mom about, the convo with hubby about stuff, his comment on how i should go visit them and my friend for my 40th birthday using our tax return money...a couple dreams i had last night that really bothered me....my knee....hubby possibly having another diverticulitis flare up (not sure just yet if thats whats bothering him)....kiddo being able to keep up in school with her issues even though her teachers are wonderful and are helping her as much as possible. could be one of these things or all of them in one big ball in my brain.

so many things going on in my head since late last night that when i woke up at 2am i couldnt get back to sleep until well after 5am sometime cuz i couldnt shut the voices in my head off. im so tired today and should have taken a nap but i just cant get myself to do that during the day even though im not doing anything that would prevent me from laying down.

my usual answer to all this stuff......::: "I DON'T KNOW".

on a good note ...but with the way im feeling it just adds to the stress in my head.... im eligible for my Canadian Citizenship as of February 18, 2007. i called for my application which i should get by next week. from what the person on the phone told me is once i turn it in it could take a month up to six months for the background checks to be completed and then i would get my booklet for testing and from then it could again take X amount of time until i go take my test depending on how often tests are done here on the island. then i wait again and then go sign and do ceremony when ever they do those (i think they do them twice a year). with the way it sounds my goal to have my citizenship before July 1st isnt going to be possible. oh well...i guess i can hope for having it all completed within this year....2007...the year i turn 40...wohoo!

hope you are well.....big hugs coming your way